Sunday, July 17, 2011

Chili Dog Autopsy Pizza???

Bella Pizza
6709 Park Ave.
Allen Park, MI

I hate Detroit.

There is absolutely NOTHING redeeming about this rust-belt, union-dominated, burned-out hell-hole of a city.

That is, except, chili dogs.

Or “Coney Islands”, as they call them here.

Look, as Suit757, I’ve been to every city in America. I can rank them from one to one hundred.

Detroit is DEAD last. Numero infinity. The very last place on earth I want to be stranded over a holiday weekend.

Amid the smoldering ruins, charred cinder blocks and hoards of Obama legions collecting their 99 weeks of pay in exchange for NOT working (and their vote in 2012), the only thing to look forward to in this Third World outpost is a world famous chili dog at Lafayette Coney Island or it’s next door rival, American Coney Island.

Here’s the problem.

Tonight is Major League Baseball All-Star Game Night.

One of the few Suit757 must-see sporting events of the year. Right up there with the Super Bowl, Daytona 500, March Madness and the Hooters Dream Girls Swimsuit Quarterfinals.

Nope. Sorry, my loyal Suits in Strange Places readers, I’m not going out tonight.

I’m swinging by the local liquor store for a six-pack and sitting my butt in front of the snowy Best Western TV in room 164. And calling for pizza delivery.

The helpful front desk clerk even gave me a menu from Bella Pizza, the local pizza joint down the street, which I perused as the All-Stars were introduced.

It didn’t take me long to figure out what Suit757 was ordering tonight.

Coney Island Pizza.


I think I’ve died and gone to junk food heaven.

A classic Detroit Coney Island chili dog – served as a pizza!

Could it be?

Do miracles happen? In Detroit??

I was about to find out.

Even if my Coney Island Pizza was a disaster, I had a six pack of Celis Grand Cru by local microbrewery Michigan Brewing Company to keep me satisfied through nine innings of double-switches and pitching changes. (Who the hell decided that 84 major leagers deserved to be “All-Stars” any way?)

The brew is a high alcohol Belgian-style beer with a typical sweet, fruity taste that is more conducive to sipping than chugging.

You know the whole “beer to have when you are having more than one?”

Yeah. This ain’t it.

Good thing Bella delivered that pizza just in time for the Seventh Inning Stretch.

Did the Bella Coney Island Pizza meet my heightened expectations?

Blown. Away.

Like Bella did an autopsy on a traditional Detroit Coney Chili Dog and smothered its remains all over a chewy pizza crust.

Picture this. Sliced up hot dogs and caramelized onions buried under a blanket of cheddar cheese served up over a thick bed of meaty Coney Island chili sauce.

It tasted like one of the best Coney Island chili dogs you’ll ever have – but served up on a toasty slice of pizza.

If Bella Pizza ever goes public, I want in on the I.P.O.

In fact, my Coney Island Pizza was so good, I might even reconsider my opinion of Detroit as the most godforsaken place in America.

“Mo Town” may be the ultimate home to taxpayers bailouts, “hip hop mayors” serving jail time and “job banks” of UAW members being paid six figures NOT to work, but they sure know how to get creative with the toppings on twelve inches of pizza dough.

Chopped up hot dogs and chili on pizza, Belgian-Michigan beer and the American past-time – from the inside of room 164 at the Best Western, Detroit’s not looking so bad after all!

Rating: Seriously Thought About Buying Shirt.

Bella Pizza on Urbanspoon


  1. You weren't even in Detroit.

    1. Close enough.

      Besides, if you want to get that technical about it, neither is Auburn Hills-based Chrysler. But that doesn't stop them from running those annoying "Imported From Detroit" (thanks to our taxpayer bailout we'll never pay back) ads.