Parking is a Premium at Off Site Kitchen

Off Site Kitchen
2226 Irving Blvd.

Dallas, TX 75207

 

It's been just over two years since my last visit to Texas, and as a guy from the Great Lakes region, I can tell you that I did not look forward to return to the heat of Texas.

I was in the Dallas area on business with a fellow Suit who explained to me that the heat in Texas can get so extreme that bugs will actually melt on the sidewalk. Not the crunchy bugs, he clarified, just the big, fat and juicy ones.

Comforting...

Look, I'm sure Texas is nice not during the summer months, but I can't exactly confirm that, being that I've only really been there during the months that bugs melt.

And don't get me started on the politics of Texas.

Every conservative believes that Texas is somehow a utopia for conservative politics. Texas has worse gun laws than Pennsylvania!

Oh, and you also have to provide all ten fingerprints to get a driver's license in the state. How about that for freedom-loving?

And Rick Perry...where do I even start with him? Sometimes he can be so right and other times he can just be plain stupid. Perry is finally stepping down after being Governor for what seems like since the Civil War. No term limit for the Executive? No thank you...

Oh, and let us not forget that Texas also gave us the Bush dynasty which single-handedly destroyed the Republican Party.

But the people of Texas are good people, so long as you can tolerate them constantly correcting you that everything is better and/or bigger in Texas.

No, but seriously, I shouldn't be so tough on Texas because despite their government and obnoxious heat, it is a nice state. And one thing for sure, they know how to cook.

My fellow suit, being a native Texan, knew that I would be interested in the finest of what Dallas had to offer. He did his research, and brought us to a shady part of town to what looked like from the outside a perfect place for a Suit to review.

Once through the front door, I knew he had just taken me a goldmine of a Suit review.

Off Site Kitchen is everything that a Suit could ask for in a delicious place to eat: severe lack of parking spaces, long line to the register, very little seating, and the smell of smoked meat in the air.

I ordered the special of the day which was half a BBQ chicken with house made BBQ sauce, coleslaw, and Texas toast.

In true Texas fashion, my fellow Suit ordered the Ten Buck Four Burger, which is a burger made up of four 1/4 pound burger patties, for a grand total of a pound of meat, plus a fried egg on top.

I must say, I became envious of that burger. That thing looked awesome, and according to my fellow Suit, it was, as he had to restart his heart several times during the process of eating it.
 

Don't get me wrong, though, my BBQ chicken was delicious. The meat was very moist and flavorful, and the house made BBQ sauce that came with it had the right amount of tang to it.

The only way to truly complete this meal is by washing it down with the beer that is the pride of Texas, Shiner Bock. Now, I'm not going to sit here and sing the praises of Shiner Bock. It's an okay beer and really is about the best Texas can offer. The laws in Texas just absolutely kill the craft beer industry.

Yet another fine example of the lack of freedom in the Lone Star State...

But I salute Shiner for their long history of serving the people of Texas with a quality beer.

Freedom will come some day to Texas so that Texans can actually openly carry a firearm without being thrown in jail, and to know what real good beer tastes like.

Until then, they can keep enjoying their delicious food with a small variety of good beer, while dreaming of the day they can live up to the label of "freest state in the union."

Off Site Kitchen is a must for anyone visiting the Dallas area. It is off the beaten path, and you'll have a hard time finding parking, but it is well worth it.

Rating: Seriously Thought About Buying Shirt

A Texas Lunch Time Tragedy

Stone Werks
7500 Broadway St.
San Antonio, TX



I’m giving up burgers.

Yep. You read that right. Suit757 is swearing off burgers.

I know. That’s like the Pope giving up Catholicism.

Or Obama giving up Socialism.

Or John Mayer giving up snaking hot chicks.

But after choking down one of the worst burgers I’ve ever eaten in my life at Stone Werks in San Antonio, Texas…

…I’m done.

Finished with hamburgers. At least in restaurants.

Why is it impossible for restaurants to properly cook a slab of ground beef?

I know, I know. Some blood sucking lawyer out there will sue the restaurant if every microscopic trace of bacteria isn’t incinerated.

But if you insist on incinerating my meat into a dried up, hardened block of Texas sun-scorched cow dung, why don’t you just take it off the menu? Just stick to things that are supposed to be incinerated like chicken fried steak.

But don’t charge me twelve bucks for a burger and then ruin it.

You’ll just tick me off.

What especially ticked me off is I asked for it “medium.” You know, the way God intended a burger to be cooked -- a little char on the outside, pink on the inside and plenty of juicy goodness dripping onto my plate.

But almost no restaurant in our lawyerphobic American society serves burgers like that anymore.

It’s gotten so that I purposely order my burger rare -- even though I don’t want a rare burger. Just in the hopes that I can avoid a bone-dry hockey puck.

Of course even that doesn’t always work.

But here I am deep I the heart of cattle country and I make the mistake of thinking this place might actually know how to cook a mound of beef.

My “medium” bacon and smoked Gouda burger was nothing but a hard clump of grey meat.

Even the bacon was overcooked.

There is a fine line between the savory smoky flavor of good bacon and the bitter taste of burnt bacon.

The obnoxious flavor of charred bacon completely camouflaged the smoked Gouda. I’ll take their word for it that it was even on my burger.

Tasteless cheese. Burnt bacon. Dry overcooked beef.

This burger desperately needed some condiment salvation.

Unfortunately, none was provided. Except a ramekin of cocktail sauce.

Cocktail sauce?

Yeah, the bartender gave me cocktail sauce instead of ketchup for my fries. And then proceeded to run off and disappear for 15 minutes.

I’m glad I didn’t dump it on my burger. Of course, as bad as it was, it might have been an improvement.

The fries were a tedious bore -- even after the waiter reappeared and fixed his ketchup mistake a quarter hour later.

Okay. So far we have crappy, over-priced, over-cooked food. Lousy fries. And inattentive service.

Not a great way to earn a top Suits in Strange Places rating.

The only good thing about Stone Werks was the beer selection.

The place had a pretty decent range of tap handles from both national and Texas craft breweries.

The Lone Star State is not known for good beer, but being a good Suit, I knew I should try the local brews.

First up was Wild Hare, a pale ale by Shiner -- that little brewery in South Texas more famous for its bland Shiner Bock.

Unfortunately, Wild Hare is pretty bland too, confirming my theory that good breweries make good
beers across the board -- and vice versa.

Not that I want to slander Shiner Brewery.

I’ve done the brewery tour several times. It’s fun. Their beers are a nice alternative to the ubiquitous Coors Light cans decorated with the Texas state outline.

But, the fact is, Shiner just doesn’t make very flavorful beers.

Next I tried the locally brewed Ranger O.P.A., which stands for Oatmeal Pale Ale.

Now that’s something different.

I’ve tried oatmeal stouts. But never an oatmeal pale ale.

This one was smooth and creamy with sort of a fruity, bready aftertaste that pushed the hops normally associated with a pale ale to the background.

Not really a fan.

I guess I’m giving up on Oatmeal Pale Ales -- along with restaurant burgers.

I’ve never left a bar so depressed.

Is my backyard really the only place in America I can trust ordering a good juicy burger?

If I want my burgers done right, do I really have to do it myself?

How am I going to survive a burgerless life on the road?

How can I endure the indignities of modern day travel in America without my one redeeming red meat pleasure?

As I drove my rental car out of Stone Werks suburban hell parking lot and tried to make my way to the San Antonio Airport, I contemplated what a tragic experience this lunch had been.

I mean, it's not like Suit757 hasn't reviewed some pretty bad meals before.

But this was different.  The road ahead for Suit757 will never be the same.

Stone Werks -- you have ruined my life!

Rating: Clean Grill with Shirt.

Beating the Tourist Blues in San Antonio

Barriba Cantina
111 West Crockett St.
San Antonio, TX




One unalterable rule you quickly learn as a Suit in Strange Places is that you have to get away from the tourist mobs to find the coolest places to eat and drink.

Places packed with tourists 365 days a year feel no need to offer creative, interesting cuisine or exciting beers.

On the San Antonio Riverwalk the tourists will come – no matter what slop you throw in front of them and no matter how much you charge them for it.

And boy did they come in droves on this Wednesday night.

By the time I made my way past the Alamo and got down to the Riverwalk at 10pm, there wasn’t a bar stool or dinner table to be had. Anywhere.

But getting away from the tourist throngs doesn’t have to mean driving for miles out into the countryside down dirt roads in search of a long lost fish camp, ice house or dance hall.

Sometimes you don’t have to travel more than 25 feet.

Just when I resigned myself to hiking back to my hotel and calling Dominos, I heard the wailing of a harmonica above the tourist din.

Up a cobblestone set of stairs, set about 25 feet above the Riverwalk, I found myself in Barriba Cantina – with plenty of vacant bar stools.

Belting out the Texas blues was the Bob Bass Band, entertaining a small, but enthusiastic crowd downing margaritas.

Gourmet street tacos, local microbrews, good music and the Astros-Braves game on the giant flat screen.

No doubt about it – my evening was officially salvaged. Suit757 was in his element!

Now, don’t get me wrong. Barriba Cantina is no secret locals’ hideaway. When Bob Bass asked the crowd who was actually from San Antonio, only one hand went up in the entire place.

It’s just that 25 feet of stair climbing provides just enough of a disincentive to lazy tourists to ensure I have a place to plop myself on a busy Wednesday night.

That 25 feet of stair climbing also provides Barriba Cantina just enough of an incentive to offer fare a notch above the lowest common denominator tourist traps down below.

Trust me, the extra effort is well worth while.

On suggestion of the bartender, I ordered the “Chipotle Pork Carnitas Tacos”.

Just a few bites of marinated pork laid on three corn tortillas, the meal was a little skimpy for ten bucks. But there is no doubt the chipotle slaw, caramelized onions and avocado tomatillo salsa on the side conspired to generate an explosion of flavor.

Each bite produced a tantalizing ensemble of sweet and spicy from the slaw and onions.

Bowing to the delicate palates of the tourists, Barriba Cantina wisely provides the taste bud tingling hot salsa on the side. I gleefully poured it all over my three tacos.

And kept ordering beers to douse the fire.

First up, I tried a couple offerings from Real Ale Brewing Company in Blanco, Texas. The first was their “Full Moon Pale Rye Ale,” which surprisingly had no trace of the spicy hop kick you normally find in an ale made from rye grain.

The “Rio Blanco Pale Ale” wasn’t much better. Kind of boring.

But at least they are trying. Let’s face it. Texans value liberty, guns, big trucks and chicks with huge…er…hair.

Good beer? Not so much.

Most Texans I know subsist on a strict diet of Coors Light.

A few Yuppie-wannabe Texans drink Shiner Bock. Of course Suit757 is too polite to point out that Shiner Bock basically tastes like Coors Light with brown food coloring.

Texans just aren’t into flavorful real beer. So you have to take what you can get in the Lone Star State.

My final beer of the evening, a St. Arnold Amber, brewed in Houston, was the best of the bunch, by far. Amber style beers normally don’t pack much punch, but this one stood out – probably because my first two beers were so lackluster.

Local brews, tasty tacos and kickass Texas blues. I almost forget I was in a tourist hang out above the Riverwalk.

Almost.

I was quickly reminded when I got the check and realized they were charging me five bucks for each 12 ounce bottle.

But then it dawned on me. Isn’t a Suit in a Strange Place always a tourist, by definition?

Yep. I guess that’s why I happily paid the tab, threw a few bucks in the band’s tip bucket and went back to my hotel thoroughly satisfied.

And you know what? The next time I find myself in the Alamo City, I’ll gladly climb those 25 feet of stairs to Barriba Cantina and do it all again.

Rating: Seriously Thought About Buying Shirt.