Saturday, February 5, 2011

A Liberal-Hater’s Confession

Early Girl Eatery
8 Wall Street
Asheville, NC

Beer selection: Exciting variety of local brews for lunch or breakfast!

Food: Delicious, down-home, sustainable, natural, cage-free, hormone-free, hand-scooped, grass-fed, free-range, organic, personally-blessed-by-Pope-Benedict Southern cooking.

I hate liberals.

I’ve dedicated my entire life to defeating everything they stand for.

I especially hate that they see every problem, vice and inconvenience of everyday life as an opportunity to use the levers of government to take more money and liberty from me.

Why don’t you just leave me the #@$% alone!?!

But after a visit to the Early Girl Eatery in liberal heaven Asheville, North Carolina, even I have to confess they get a few things right.

Like food. And beer.

I mean, think about it. Think about your city.

Where do “conservatives” live...and eat…and drink?

Right. On a cul-de-sac amid some cookie-cutter soulless expanse of suburban hell.

They hop in their minivan with “W” sticker attached and drive exactly 2.7 miles (which takes 15 minutes due to all the traffic lights) to the nearest strip shopping center where they dine at some corporate chain outparcel restaurant and order the “2 for 20” and a 22oz. draft of Bud Light.

Where do liberals in your city live?

Right. In the cool part of town.

With the cobblestone streets lined with a canopy of century old oak trees, 100 year old Victorian mansions and interesting, eclectic shops, bistros and bars. And the old timey movie theater that plays the obscure “edgy” (a favorite word of liberals) flicks the cineplex won’t run.

Think Germantown in Columbus. Georgetown in DC. Ghent in Norfolk. Riverside in Jacksonville. Every city’s got one.

Granted, the weirdo dope-smoking, forehead-pierced cross-dressers creep the crap out of me too, but that’s the price you have to pay for a good local craft beer and gourmet pizza.

Of course most of my friends who describe themselves as “paleo-libertarians” (think, conservatives who like to have fun) aren’t familiar with either of these living arrangements.

No. Paleo-libertarians live deep in the swamp, out in the woods or up on the mountain where they can kill their own meat, collect their own rainwater (before Obama banned it) and sit on a tinder box of ammo in anticipation of the “conservatives” and liberals screwing the whole thing up.

These are the guys who will be prepared when America is reduced to a rubble-strewn landscape patrolled by marauding flesh-eating zombies.

Okay, so these guys have probably watched “Red Dawn” and “Zombieland” a few too many times, but you get the idea. I’m headed to their house the first sign of trouble.

Which somehow gets me back to the liberal, organic, free-range downtown of Asheville, North Carolina, the quintessential liberal neighborhood.

And my confession.

Organic, free-range, all-natural just tastes better than frozen, processed, boxed, nitrated.

There. I said it.

Here’s the problem.

Unfortunately, liberals think all six billion people on the planet should be force-fed this way by government fiat.

As far as I’m concerned, if George W. Bush supporters want to live off a steady diet of Chicken McNuggets, Bud Light and high fructose corn syrup, they should be free to do so.

Me? Given the choice, I’ll take the all-natural fare served at the Early Girl Eatery.

Every day.

Everything I ordered – from the locally brewed Ninja Porter to the fried green tomatoes to the North Carolina Smoky Mountain stream trout to the candied yams to the ham-studded collard greens to the buttermilk biscuit – was made fresh, organic, all-natural and local.

And absolutely delicious.

The local organic fried green tomatoes just tasted more tomatoey. The collards tasted greener. The yams tasted yammier.

You get the idea.

And it makes sense when you think about it. The less you molest your food between seedling and plate, the better it will taste when it gets there.

That’s a concept even an avowed enemy like me of liberal dope-smoking weirdoes can appreciate.

Rating: Seriously Thought About Buying Shirt.
Early Girl Eatery on Urbanspoon

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