Struggling With Barbecue Bigotry at Smokey D's

Smokey D's BBQ
5055 NW 2nd Street,
Des Moines, IA 50309
(515) 243-2747

I don’t like to talk about it much, but I’ll admit it.

Deep within in the recesses of my heart, lies something I’ve been holding back from Suits in Strange Places readers.

I am a bigot. A barbecue bigot.

The thought of finding good – really good -- barbecue in a state that wore navy blue in the War to Prevent Southern Independence sounds about as likely to me as finding a spine in Tim Pawlenty.

Maybe it’s just a Southern Thang That You Wouldn’t Understand.

But that’s how I feel.

To my surprise, my travel-tested and informed “ignance” got tested at Mr. D’s Barbecue in Des Moines, Iowa when I stopped in for lunch recently.

The place is nice, newish, big and packed.

And it’s also right next to the Harley dealership which is kinda like running across a weasel in Washington, D.C.

Despite being in Iowa, this barbecue joint was in its natural habitat!

Nice.

Entering Smokey D’s, you can’t help but notice the trophy wall . . . and the trophy floor for all the extra awards they just didn’t have room for.

Before ordering at the front counter, I decided to ask the friendly girl at the register what she recommended.

I ended up going with the ribs and brisket basket, potato casserole and coleslaw at her direction.

To drink, sweet tea.

Sitting down at my table, waiting on my order to come out, I couldn’t help but notice the large bar area.

It was lunch, and I wasn’t drinking, but it did appear that the bar area was a pretty happening place with several large TV’s.

Just a couple minutes later, my food was ready.

Both of the sides were very good, but that’s not what Suit 69 rolls up to barbecue joints to eat.

I was there for the meat.

I tried the brisket first.

While it had a nice smoke ring and decent seasoning, it was incredibly dry.


Rule #1 if you’re making brisket is not to dry it out.

Dousing it with sauce helped a little, but it only confirmed my inner bigotry.


“Ha! Is this the best we can get out of a Yankee barbecue joint?” I thought as I quenched my brisket-created thirst with a swig of iced tea.

But then I tried the ribs.

And the moment these ribs hit my taste buds, it sent my head spinning.

They weren’t good.

They were GREAT.

Smokey D’s uses a dry rub and serves their ribs without sauce. It’s slightly sweet, peppery and it allowed the meat to really shine, so I didn’t bother to sauce them.

And unlike the brisket, these ribs were far from dry. In fact, every bite delivered a pop of juicy, smokey pork flavor.

When I started to get full, I just kept on eating until I finished every bite.

I sat there looking at my empty food basket with some regret, I noticed something.
I’ve only had this experience a few times in my life, but after a really good barbecue meal, I’ll often sit there with a stupid smile on my face in a complete sense of utter euphoria.

And on this day, my barbecuegasm came courtesy of Smokey D’s.

The only issue I had now was the rating.

Would I really give a northern barbecue restaurant Suits in Strange Places top rating and put them on par with the soufland’s best?

I looked at the t-shirts on the wall. They were really cool looking.

But then I remembered the brisket.

Would I let the dry brisket slide simply because the ribs were so great?

I’ve done it before.

After all, Suits are never in one place for very long, so we simply can’t rate every item on the menu.

We’re about finding out what a restaurant does best and sticking to it . . . and if I had just ordered the ribs, I never would have known the brisket was dry . . .

But the girl at the register did recommend it.

And everybody needs a crutch.

Rating: Seriously Thought About Buying the Shirt

Lamestar Barbecue in San Antonio

County Line Barbecue
San Antonio, Texas

They say everything is bigger in Texas.

Well, one thing is for sure, when the state hits on a good thing, it’s always a big hit – oil, outlaw country, Longhorn college football, Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, smoked beef brisket . . .

But they’re mistakes are huge too – Lyndon Johnson, his later reincarnation as George W. Bush, Enron -- and joining the union in 1845 AFTER achieving independent nation status.

Of course, Texas already tried once to correct that mistake. In 1861, it seceded from the union only to be forcefully brought back into our “free country” with federal steel and shrapnel.

During the fight over ObamaCare earlier this year, Texas governor Rick Perry brought up the possibility of secession once again.

But was all that “for real?” Can future generations of Americans really look forward to escaping their “democracy” for the new Republic of Texas?

Or was all that secession talk just a big bluff from a loud-talking blowhard at a game of Texas hold ‘em?

Well, when my plane touched the ground in San Antonio, Texas, I was determined to find out.

Normally, when you want to find the real pulse of a city, you look for little hole-in-the-wall places off the main drag.

But when the United States seceded from Britain, it was only because the “radicals” like Thomas Jefferson and Patrick Henry ended up convincing their lame conservative buddies like Benjamin Franklin to ditch their loyalist leanings.

So today, I needed to find out what conservatives were thinking, and I knew just where to find them -- the lamest of all lame spots.

Tourist areas.

In San Antonio, that means going to the Riverwalk.

The Riverwalk was built during the FDR administration as part of his work projects effort.

Thus it’s a natural place for conservatives to gather and talk about how bailing out their companies was necessary to preserve the free market.

That aside, I do have to say, it does look like a cool place to drink because you can hang out outside by the meandering river.

Another plus is the Riverwalk is only a few blocks from that famous historical site, the Alamo.

But for food adventurers, it’s the epitome of lame.

Everywhere I looked was mundane corporate lameness with chain restaurants like the HardRock Café, the Rainforest Café, Ben and Jerrys and Joe’s Crab Shack.

On a tip, I headed to County Line Barbeque. The original is in Austin and it’s supposed to be great.

But the County Line in San Antonio is in a tourist area where lame rules the day.

The first bad sign was that there was no smoked-wood smell. Of course, I didn’t really expect there to be actual smoking with so many conservatives around, but this was definitely lame.

The inside and outside of the restaurant was also a disappointment.

They tried to throw a bunch of old rusty metal things, signs and canned veggies all over the walls to make it look like at some point the folks there actually cared about the food they were serving.

Even more lame.

I sat at the bar where there was one TV, turned to Fox News complaining about the absolutely-critical-to-the-world-story of Lindsay Lohan being released from jail early.

I heard the murmurs -- “How dare anyone not be in jail in this free country!?!?!?!”

I knew there had to be conservatives around.

I looked around at the attire of the patrons, and sure enough, I saw the telltale emblem of conservatism – Federal Flags complete with stupid slogans underneath that are supposed to sound tough but always mean higher taxes and less freedom.

That pretty much answered any questions about where conservatives were on secession.

They were still Loyalists in love with the Washington, D.C. crown.

Saddened, but not surprised, I ordered the brisket and sausage platter with potato salad and coleslaw as my sides.

To drink, I had a Dos Equis in a bottle. Turns out that while they serve liquor, they don’t serve any beer on drought and their selection isn’t great either.

This was a big pile of stinking lame.


Turns out the barbecue was really good though. The brisket wasn’t dried out – which is mistake all too easy to make – and the sauce wasn’t too sweet.

The sausage was also very tasty and the potato salad and coleslaw were well above par.

As I finished my meal, I thought to myself the San Antonio version of County Line Barbecue was a good symbol of conservatism. Corporate, fake and it surprises you when it actually does something right.

When I got the check, I was even more convinced. It was also way too expensive.

Before I left, I had one more thought. Could it be these weren’t conservative Texans?

Could it be they were just lame conservative tourists coming from states with less importance to the future of liberty?

Driving to the airport the next day, I saw this sign for Lone Star Beer which gave me some hope.

The truth is, San Antonio is a great city, and I can’t wait to go back.

And maybe next time, I’ll buy a conservative loyalist a Lone Star and then tell him how stupid he is. Just like Patrick Henry and Thomas Jefferson used to do.

Rating: Wouldn’t Wear the Shirt if They Paid Me
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