Chained Up: IHOP Breakfast

When You Need a Taste of Home.

Being a suit on the road is always an adventure and I've never been one to shy away from a new culinary experience, but there are times when you're in need of passable food, served on a big  platter with lots of hot coffee.

Yes, I'm talking about those miserable chain restaurants that we all love to hate, but from time to time come to rely on.

My latest experience with one of the less than exciting, but generally acceptable eateries, was at an Ihop in Utica NY.

Being exhausted from a long day and night of driving the day before, and having finished the work that needed doing, I escaped the confines of the rental car for the comfort of a corner booth in a chain restaurant!

Well I felt like I'd just done 15 rounds with a heavy weight boxing champ and I'd won... so I was more than hungry.

The typical eggs, bacon and pancakes weren't going to be enough to re-energize me.

I needed the whole pot of coffee, the potatoes and a double stack of cinnamon pancakes to recover!

All of that is on the menu, but not as a regular item. So I just ordered the pancakes, eggs, bacon, hash browns, and the whole pot of coffee! Yes I ordered every item individually. Yes I knew that was the more expensive way to do it, but I got exactly what I wanted and I left full! 

The best part was I got out of there for $15 in upstate New York. I call that a successful feast!

Rating:  Good.

Chained Up: Sonic's Chicago Dog

Perhaps better than any fast good chain, Sonic has the ability to grab my attention.

Every so often, it seems, they'll run a TV commercial with some incredibly awesome concoction -- like a fried chicken burger with gravy and mashed potatoes -- that I just can't dare to pass up.

Well, they got me again.  Only this time, it wasn't a commercial.

After a night of too much fun (seems like I've been having those a lot lately), I was thirsty.  And there was Sonic, calling my name.  I pulled in to order a cranberry limeade, and then I saw it -- a sign for Sonic's new Chicago dog.

Now, I haven't been traveling in some time, and I admit -- I'm kind of getting that hunger for the road.

So I had to try it.

Well, I did.  And the result was about what you would expect.

The peppers weren't hot enough.  The hot dog wasn't hot enough.  The pickle wasn't pickly enough.

But it was a nice try.  Overall, not bad for a fast food dog.
At least until the next time I'm in Chicago.

Rating:  Decent

Chained Up: Waffle House Hash Browns

"

"The Big Nasty."  It's my own personal holy grail.

What is "The Big Nasty" exactly?

Well, all I know is that when I wake up in the morning with a pounding headache, dry mouth and an empty stomach, it's what I'm craving -- a culinary cure for hangovers.

Country fried steak with FunYuns, Velveeta cheese, little smokies and ranch sauce on top perhaps?

Maybe.  I'm not sure.

But that never ending search for "The Big Nasty" perfection is what had me stumbling into Waffle House early one weekend morning.

Ok, it wasn't really that early.  More like noon.

Waffle House's entry into "The Big Nasty" competition was a full plate of their famous hashbrowns -- ordered smothered, covered, chunked and country.

For Waffle House rookies, that's hashbrowns with onions, melted cheese, diced ham and sausage gravy poured all over . . .

So did Waffle House's hashbrowns succeed in earning the title of  "The Big Nasty?"

No.  But it placed.  In fact, I'm thinking of giving their hashbrowns the title of "The Massive Disgusting."

Which is truly an honor to be proud of.

Rating:  Good

Chained Up: Starbucks…Beer?!?!

Suit757 doesn’t do Starbucks. Never stepped foot in the place.

My list of Suit757 liquid intake is very short.

Beer. And tap water.

And, every once in a blue moon, maybe an orange juice with my meat-lovers omelet and side of scrapple.

I don’t drink coffee.

I’m philosophically opposed to bottled water. (For the same reason I’m opposed to prostitution – why pay for something you can get for free?)

And I sure don’t drink Starbucks Upside Down Caramel Macchiato, whatever the hell that is.

I mean, what heterosexual man with any pride could stand there and order a Venti Soy Double Blended Chai Crème Frappuccino with a straight face?

So you can imagine my utter state of panic after a recent dinner out with four family members when the conversation turned to where to go for after-dinner drinks.

I thought my criteria were fairly reasonable.

The place needed beer (duh!). And I had just spent dinner missing the first of two NFL playoff games. I wasn’t about to miss the second.

The place needed to have a TV.

Hey, Suit757 can be a reasonable guy when he wants to be.

I voted for the local Irish pub.

To my great dismay, I was outvoted four to one in favor of Starbucks. (Something about how we just got done drinking a bunch of beer – a point I totally missed.)

But panic morphed into jubilation as I made my virgin Starbucks threshold crossing and came face-to-face with a giant flat screen TV tuned to the game and a refrigerator full of beer!

And not just any beer.

Anchor Steam! Microbrewed on the West Coast since 1896.

So as my family collectively sipped their Peppermint Mocha Frappuccinos, I kicked back in the middle of Starbucks with a fine craft beer and watched the Packers dismantle the Falcons.

And thought to myself, “Self, perhaps there is still hope for red-blooded heterosexual American men after all.”

Rating: Decent!

Chained Up: Steak ‘n Shake A-1 Peppercorn Melt

The puzzling popularity of chain restaurants can only be explained by America’s love affair with mediocrity.

Either that or most people just don’t get out that much. Hence the desperate need for Suits in Strange Places.

But despite my unyielding assault on corporate lowest common denominator food, it is important to point out that some chains are less pathetic than others.

I’ve always been partial to Steak ‘n Shake myself.

It offers the food quality, ambiance and service of a good local diner – but at fast food prices.

I mean, you really can’t beat their four meals for $3.99. That’s a bargain for a fresh made double cheeseburger and good crispy thin cut fries (for maximum grease to potato ratio).

But I’m always tempted to try their “special” burgers for a couple bucks more, like the A-1 Peppercorn Melt.

It’s basically the same double cheese burger as the $3.99 bargain burger, but with two strips of bacon, sautéed onions, A-1 sauce and different bread.

I’m not sure the sum of those additional burger parts are worth the extra coin, but the final verdict can’t be denied – this is one tasty burger.

Rating: Good

Chained Up: McDonalds' McRib

Ok, Look.

Yes, its McDonalds.

Yes, it Sucks.

BUT.

I have kids.

They have sports.

And homework.

AND SuitOchoCinco has a ridiculously smoking hot girlfriend.

All of which I have to cater to 24/7.

Add in the fact that I fly across the continent twice a month and guess what?

Sometime I have to snag a quick bite.

And if I have to snag one . . . I prefer it to be a McRib.

Now, every year McyD's says its the last, and for about 4 seconds I believe it. But there is no way that they could ever actually not bring back the sloppy gluttonous goodness that is the "no actual rib" having McRib (with out a riot in the streets of the likes of the recent ones in Greece)

So. Yes. I love the McRib. Sue me.

Note: McRib is like . . . Jay Z . . . or . . . Brett Favre . . . except when they say they are going to retire and don't . . . its upsetting.

But when the McRib comes out of retirement, I get as giddy as a school girl on Christmas break.

RATING: Good

Chained Up: Hardee's Texas Toast Bacon Thickburger

Pressed for time, I rolled into a drive through and ordered the 1/3 lb. Texas Toast Bacon Thickburger.  It also comes in 1/4 and 1/2 lb. versions.

It was your typical burger with lettuce, onion tomato, bacon and cheese.

The "pizazz" of the burger is supposed to be the Texas Toast.   Texas Toast is supposed to be virtually dripping with butter, but somehow Hardee's managed to come up short in this area and still create a burger that falls apart in your hand.

They also fail to mention the burger has barbecue sauce on it -- Sweet Baby Ray's -- which isn't a bad choice but it'd be nice to tell people what's coming still.

If you're forced to eat here, order a burger on a regular bun.

Rating:  Lame